My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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