you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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