I think I died a long time ago.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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