i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wish there were birth control emojis
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
