I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm experimenting with sincerity
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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