I think i sorta joined a cult last night
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
