6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
