does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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