No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
