I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
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Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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