Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
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Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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