Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Text me some of your sweat
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
