im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
