true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
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I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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