oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
