3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
