Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
