I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
ttyl tear gas
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
