This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
