I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
