And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
