I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
