I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
