omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
