Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
