I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
