You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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