I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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