Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
