DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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