am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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