morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
