I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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