hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
