my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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