I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
