I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
