i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
