I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Green mimosas i think yes
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
