The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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