I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.