haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
