I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
