My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
