So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
