im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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