i just wanna soil my oats bro
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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