How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
