I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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