i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goatâ€
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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