someone get that fucking seahorse.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
