Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
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He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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