i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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