just come out here and I will go home with you...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
