I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
