Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Randomize
