I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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