cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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